I'll Follow You Into The Dark

As I sit here watching the sun come up, I'm sitting here wondering what the heck I've been doing all night. And I'll tell ya, I've been sitting in our spare bedroom watching movies. I watched 4 tonight since Mark left actually. I watched: Eat Pray Love; Repo Men; Ramona & Beezus; and Something Borrowed. Pretty good movies. I watch a few more every night. They keep me company while I'm on break from school & while Mark's at work.

But that's about all I feel like doing. There are clothes that need folding, that need washing. There are dishes that need to be done... But I just don't have the willpower to do it. I have zero motivation. I just sink into a dark place when Mark leaves. That's so pathetic to say, but it's true. I can't be alone. I'm not fit to be alone. Being here alone all night is bad for someone like me. Someone who spends every second of their day thinking of "what ifs" & "well if this had been different". I don't do well by myself. For a while I had Mike, so I stayed sane, I had company to keep my mind at ease. But Mike slowly gave all his time to Des, & suddenly I had time to think again, thus, sinking lower. Wanna know what's worse than being alone? Having someone around & FEELING alone. Being ignored, overlooked. I don't know one person who is content with that. It's taking everything I have in me to write this blog. I keep thinking I'd rather be laying in bed thinking of what I would say if I actually wrote the blog, but I'm forcing my arms to move & my brain to focus.

Anyway. I think I'm depressed. I feel overlooked, unimportant. I have no energy, I can't get proper sleep. And the one person who could keep this feeling away doesn't want to sit & watch a movie all the time, or just relax on the couch. He wants to be going & doing, or having company over. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy having company over, but not every time we're off. It just makes me feel more lost. Because when someone else is around, I get overlooked. I feel SO selfish in saying this, but it's just how I feel. If only I were into the games he played, the silly disc golfing that he loves so much. I want him to get out & exercise like he wants, but what is he gonna do about his crumbling girlfriend? Why can't I make him see that I'm falling apart & it's always for the same reason, only this time I don't have Mike or John here to pick me up. For a while I had John to keep me busy. Someone who wanted to just sit & talk. I don't get that now, and I can't let Mark lay in bed & talk without him falling asleep.

I dread work because I have to fake being happy. I have to be "fast, fun, & friendly" even on days where I feel "slow, dull, & moody".  I can't sleep without someone laying beside me. SOMEONE. A body has to be cuddling me in bed for me to sleep well. My body will fight sleep until either someone cuddles me to sleep, or it crashes. Where my body just gives up & passes out. When I actually do get to sleep, I wake up every 2-3 hours. The first time is usually me waking up to see if Mark is beside me, the others to check time or make sure he's still there & not suddenly gone. Which is something else I fear. I fear that one day I'm gonna wake up & he'll be gone. That he'll grow tired of me, & I'll be alone again. I fear so much... I feel like if I ask him to do too much around the house, he'll bring up that he pays the bills, & that just sinks me into a deep, dark hole. Words cut me so easily.

I drudge around the house, lonely. It wouldn't be so hard if I lived alone, but I live with someone I barely see. I'm so tired of being alone while with someone. It's causing me to go numb. I'm losing feeling slowly day by day. I'm slowly growing to be the cold person I used to be before Mark came along. My heart is going numb. At the rate I'm going, I won't feel a thing in a few months. Nothing will affect me, I'll have to fake a life just like Dexter Morgan does on "Dexter". I'll be pretending, be on auto-pilot. I fear that person. I let her go long ago, & I'm not welcoming her back willingly. Something's gotta change soon. I can't take much more than this. Some days I feel like I should just pack all my things & leave in the middle of the night. I feel like I could walk away & somehow find a way to be okay. But in all honesty, I don't wanna leave.

I love Mark so very much. The last thing I wanna do is leave him. I always want to be with him. But I just feel like I'm the last thing on his mind. He tells me all the time I'm number 1, but he doesn't make me feel like number 1. You know, he stays on me about getting a new job, it makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough for him & he wants more out of me. Now, I understand he only wants me to do it for me to make an actual living, but when will it ever be enough for him? Will he ever accept that I am me. I do what I can. That all just makes how sad I feel even worse. I wish I could resolve these feelings I have. But I think people expect me to suck it up & move on with my life. "It's growing up." No, this is depression. And I don't know if I have the power to fight it anymore...

That's all for today...