I could write all day long about how I feel. Probably because I haven't written in so long. I love having this as an outlet. Let me just update you on myself before I start blabbing on what I want to talk about. As many know, I have been in college since April. It's been going really great. I made an A in my very first class Strategies For Online Learning, top of my class actually. My next 2 classes were Introduction to Design Applications & Transitional English. Since I opted out of taking the Placement Exam, I have to take the beginner classes. I don't mind, it's just giving me a refresher. I get a 3 week break for the summer, then July 11th I start my Fundamentals of Design class. After 11 weeks of class, I'm glad to get a breather. I'm growing tired of my part-time job. Well, I'm not, Mark is. I'm just fine working 2-3 days a week. I get plenty of time off that way. But vacations don't pay the bills do they? I make 7.41/hr & get roughly 15-20 hours per week (if I'm lucky). I've been actively pursuing an over-night position at Wal-Mart; Mark's old position in Dairy/Frozen actually. It's perfect for me just like Mark is. ^_^. Not much else has been new in my life. I've been rearranging some people in my life. I've decided to stop worrying about trying to have my friends around. People I used to always be with, want nothing to do with me now. One girl can't get her head out of her mentally-abusing boyfriend's ass to spend time with the people who have always been there for her. One guy can't seem to come around unless his bitch best friend is there, whom I don't like. Sometimes you have to stop & let these people go. If they don't want to be around you, then fuck 'em. :). Okay. Let's start that topic.
My friends seem to have a problem with me. Some of them think I am immature, that I get jealous of other people's time, that I am just straight up mean. Well, I hate to bust their bubbles, but I am me. I am the same person I have always been, they must not have knew the real me. Actually, they didn't. In high school I went through more than some of them will ever know. I hid who I was. I became who I wasn't. Not fake, just a mask. I hid my pain by smiling through the hard times, by laughing at myself, then come home & cry myself to sleep. I had to go home every day from school to take care of a baby I didn't have. I wasn't allowed to go to parties, I got fussed at if I was gone to a friend or family's house too long. My grandpa wanted to know my EVERY move. Even when I was with my Dad, he would get upset, saying there were things to be done around the house, or the baby needed something. I wasn't a mom, I wasn't a house-wife, but I was forced to act like it. I had to do the grocery shopping on my own since I was 16. I had to write out bills & send them off. If one wasn't paid, guess who got in trouble? Me. Doesn't matter that I have homework to do, I need to clean the dishes, vacuum, play with the baby, sweep, write bills. But do my friends know what my life was like at home? No. Because I never brought them there. I was too ashamed. Bad things always happened when I brought them around. And I was never really allowed to stay at anyone's house without having to be home around 12pm. I was forced to grow up too fast. I had no choice but to stick it out. I got a job at 17 at Captain D's. I would go to school, come home for a few hours (had to spend time with the kid & do stuff), then go to work. I never stopped. This lasted 3 weeks. I lost my job. And life went on. When I was 19, I was late to my own party because I had to find a babysitter last minute because my grandpa was sick that day of all days. I was running around, crying. Thank God my cousin Brooke took her for the day. On school days where we got out early, my Pop wouldn't let me stay out, but I took my friends advice & stayed out anyway. I got in so much trouble for staying out just a little while at the park with my friends. When I got home, I got cussed out, lectured, & banned from everything. People only really think of themselves. They don't think of the consequences of their actions. Even now, my friends never stop to think about me at all. I was always the one with the curfew & the car. I drove us everywhere. Very few times did I ever get to just ride. My friend's never seemed to realize everything I did for them. How much I gave up to spend time with them. I went through so much hell. But even now, because of them, they act like I should just always act like an adult. Like I'm not allowed to be a little immature every once in while. I got kicked out at 20. Moved to my grandmother's with barely a penny to my name. I scraped change to get by. I had to buy everything of mine on my own. I had no help. I worked doubles almost every weekend, & barely got anything. So I'm sorry if sometimes I wanna be a child again, if I wanna slow down & take it easy for once. I don't want to grow up. I want someone to take care of me for once. I moved in with Mark this past summer. I have to take care of a lot of things around the house. I have to make sure certain things are kept up. But for once, I have someone else who would rather do the grocery shopping, he takes care of the bills, and he helps me all he can. He is great. But he knows that I am having a hard time adjusting because for once, I just need to be taken care of. I'm not the one doing all the caring for once. I cry writing this...IN RESPONSE TO MY "DRAMA":
My friends seem to think I live for drama. That I just always stick myself into situations. No. Let me explain. My friends have always known me to be motherly. I'm sorry if all I've done was stick up for my friends, or for myself. I'm sorry I ever defended you. I'm sorry that you didn't do that for me when I needed you. All I ever get is backlash for anything I say. I'm always the one wrong. Always the one who is the bad person, no matter what I do. I'm a good person. A friend once told me that you are only what you think you are, good or bad. I'm a good person who makes mistakes. I'm human. I'm a bad friend, but no one minds coming to my house to get drunk & crashing. No one minds us paying for everything, then groans when they actually have to spend their own money for once. God forbid you buy the alcohol you drink. God forbid you buy your own food. No one offers help. They have to be asked. We don't ask much. People don't want to be around unless you're footing the bill it seems. That's a little much, sorry. The times that I finally step back & say "you know what, shit happens, & life goes on", people get angry & call me cold. I'm sick of it. You don't want me in your business, then quit posting it to Facebook, quit texting me trying to get me in it, quit bothering me with your problems because you should know by now that I'm going to defend you because I love you. I'm done fighting for people because all it ever gets me is fights & bad blood. It causes problems in my relationship with Mark. In the end, I don't feel like it's worth it anymore. I've tried so hard to protect my friends that I've literally made myself sick some days. Until those feelings are returned, I'm done trying to give advice & defend you. I'm going to give you the truth of the situation, and my opinion on what to do. You choose not to follow it, then I've said it, you heard it, no longer my problem. I'm washing my hands of it. The moment I have ever stepped back, people talked down about me. My cousin Robert called me a fool & said that my friends don't know what I really think of them. No. They do. Trust me.AND FINALLY:
In conclusion, some people must not have known the real me. I can't believe that someone would think I was jealous of a friendship between them & my brother. I have no romantic feelings for him WHATSOEVER. He is my BROTHER. And yes, I have a brother-sister/twin relationship with him. I feel his pain. Like, forreal. Even if people don't believe me. He feels when I'm in pain too. It sucks sometimes, but we understand that's apart of our life. I gave that boy a place to live when he had no where else to go. Do you really think I would lie to him? About anything? When he lost his memory, I told him to take this as a chance to forget this world & make a new life for himself. But he chose to hold on to what he didn't remember. I commend his loyalty. I really do. He's my best friend, the best brother, an ideal son. He always tells me like it is, so why shouldn't I give him the same in return? Sometimes that may come off as mean, but I'm truthful. Think of me what you will. If you think bad of me, or want nothing to do with me, delete me from your life so I can move on with mine. I'm not holding anything else together. I'm done being a hero, a mother, the bad person. I'm not always the bad guy, people just don't respect that I get my feelings hurt because I am human. And thanks to people constantly pushing me around, & saying my feelings were wrong, I've started to become numb again. Something I hoped wouldn't happen again. This is the first step, memory loss will be next because my brain will start shutting down. So be prepared. That's all. :)
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