Breaking My Jar Of Hearts

"Now I can't take one more step towards you 
Cause all that's waiting is regret 
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? 
You lost the love 
I loved the most" -Christina Perri's 'Jar of Hearts' 

My brain has a tendency to over-think WAY too much... Today is April 1st. A day I will never be able to forget again. A year ago today, my best friend John Durden & I had a day ALL to ourselves at Black Creek Park. We didn't invite anyone else. Just us. It was a magical day. We took tons of photos. Talked endlessly it seemed. Just spent much needed time together. We had been so clogged up with work & other friends always being with us all the time, that we just needed to escape everything. I sometimes wish I could go back to that day. Relive being so happy my face was hurting from smiling. Now I'm so sad I don't feel like smiling at all. John & I are no longer friends. Well, not really anyway. We still talk every once in a while. We work at the same place, so it's hard not to. Sometimes I miss him so much I can't stand it. Other days I can't believe what I was thinking. I have a great man. Why should I need more than him? Mark's the best man I ever met besides my Daddy. John was like the vitamins to my dinner. I felt I was missing something when Mark wasn't around. He made up for that. And I'll always be thankful that he kept me alive & happy when Mark couldn't be with me. But in the end I have a lot of good memories & a broken heart. Some deal huh? And some days I sit here & wonder if all this is really making me happy. Am I happy with all that I have? Am I satisfied? Well. Right now, not really. The ONLY thing keeping me sane anymore is definitely Mike Moore. The best friend & brother anyone could ask for. He's also the best room-mate. =). I'm trying to make my life right. Trying to make my boyfriend happy, my self happy, keep our     dogs happy. Sometimes you think everything is going perfect, going your way, then all it takes is one plate not taken to the sink, finding an empty pack of cigarette's in someone's car who "stopped" 9 months ago. Then I get blamed for the reason he smoked. That's not right. Especially when you never even mentioned a problem. It frustrates me, aggravates me, makes me feel betrayed. I knew one day I smelt something off about his smell. I brushed it off not wanting to accuse him of anything until I found out. And you just don't know the feeling of finding out on your own, instead of being told by the source. I was so angry. Still angry. But we move on. If you have a problem with anything I'm doing, TELL ME. I don't know what I'm doing wrong if you don't tell me. You wanted more time to yourself. I gave it to you. I asked for one date night, that went half awkward. And I gave many days of "time to yourself" in return. I feel like he has more important things in his life than me. I feel like I'm riding in the back of the van, & no one even notices I'm back there crying. I'm the silent partner. What I say doesn't matter. I keep on trying. I can not win it feels like. I just feel helpless sometimes. Some times I wanna scream. This isn't the life I signed up for. I thought I signed up for the happy one with the crazy in love couple who can't keep their hands off each other & never want to be apart... But I'm begging for time together, making the first moves. I'm losing my effing mind. This is killing me. I know I'm not easy to live with. I'm not easy to deal with some days. I have crazy emotions. I know I'm not stable. But that's all I want. Stability. But when everyone attacks you at once, you don't know how to feel. I was once told I was always looking for a pity party. I'm not. I'm looking for a shoulder, understanding, comfort. A friend. Don't shut me up when I have something to say. Don't make me brush things off when I'm still upset. Don't tell me to keep things private, but you refuse to hear me out saying I'm just ranting, letting nothing go. No. I'm looking for someone to listen... Is it really so much to ask? Who do you turn to when no one wants to hear what you have to say? Yes, I vent to Facebook & this blog. I have to get it out some how or it will boil over & it won't be a pretty burn. People don't know just how deep their words can hurt you until it's too late. The kids who killed themselves?  They had no one who would listen to them. And finally they gave up. Now I'm not saying I'd kill myself. But I'd kill my life. I'd run away & start some where else. I can find people who love me & want to hear what I have to say. I just need some support. Is it really too much to ask? Guess so, because just about the only person to listen to me right on hand is Mike. He tries not to judge me. He listens to everything I have to say. He gives an opinion, sure. But it's welcomed most times. I just wish I had more than him on hand to talk to. Someone who won't criticize me for how I'm feeling & just accept it. I guess I dream of a perfect world where my voice is heard & everything is peaceful. Wishful thinker. All  I ever was & ever will be. I just hope some things change soon. I know I didn't stay on complete topic. But it's all about a broken heart. Mine. I needed to get that out there. =)

Frick & Frack Day '10

Me & my Love

The very best friend, Mike

Me & my Goobers. =)

Six Flags '11