"Denver, Colorado"We were finally in a position to be able to move to Denver, Colorado. We have our money in place. Then, we can't find anyone to rent us a house because of our dogs. Well, we're not getting rid of them, so we're not giving you our money I guess. It would be their breed, their size, the amount we have.
So much easier said than done, my friends. With the dog thing, we had no luck finding a house that would take us in our budget. Well, something struck a cord in Mark, and he finally listened to what I had been begging him to do since the beginning. Look into just buying a house. This way, we wouldn't have to worry about could we change anything, have our pets, etc. So he obviously decides this a mere month & a half before we were set to move. Brilliant. So we had the tedious task of finding a house. The market in Denver is hot, and within our price range, it's even hotter because it's such a common range. Well, every house we find gets sold before we get the chance to put in an offer.
Well, considering me & the dogs would be homeless without Mark, that's not much of an option unless he crashes on someone's couch in Denver, and pay for our apartment here. He already made it clear he won't be doing that. So now we're 4 weeks away from needing to be there, and we have NO house. We need to buy a house within a week to be able to close on time. So we've been under so much stress it's been unreal.
Which really leads to the main point of this post.
All I do is worry. I have so many people that seem disappointed in everything I do. I was working on an Associates degree in Photography, but my Grandpa always has to tell me how dumb of a decision that is because the money isn't in art right now, it's in "real" work. Thanks Pop. You always know just what to say to make me feel awesome...ly horrible, fml. He thinks there is no point in renting, but we shouldn't buy a house either. We shouldn't move to Denver. It's always something. I can't win with him. I randomly decided the other day to dye my hair red. It's something I've always wanted to do, but never had the courage to do so. I love it, he hates it. Of course, everyone else loves it, so I'm not as hurt by his disapproval.
"You're just lazy"
Then I got Mark talking to other people about what I do or don't do around the house. He mentioned how other girls told him that if they had as much "time" as I "did" not working much, they would have the house spotless, laundry always done, dishes done, and dinner on the table every night. Well that would be perfect if I had the time or energy to do so. I'm not perfect. I hurt a lot. My doctors don't know why, but it's something I have to deal with. I also suffer severely from insomnia. With this lack of proper sleep, I don't have a whole lot of moving energy. Yeah, I sit around on my computer a lot, mainly because I'm very tired, but not sleepy. What else am I to do? Stare at a wall? I used to do so much around this house, but it was never enough. Like my Grandma would come over after I would clean my house top to bottom.And because of Well, you didn't clean the toilet, your house isn't clean. It's never enough. If everything you do is wrong, and not enough, then you finally get to a point where you say Screw it & just quit it all. You start to wonder whether working your ass off & it not being worth anything is better than not working your ass off for the same disappointment. I chose the latter. I literally cannot win for freaking losing. With everyone. What I do is never enough. When I was in school, doing two classes, working at Target, doing sessions with my business, and trying to work with my Dad every chance I could for extra money, and keeping dinner made, and the house clean. I got told to get a "real" job. Well fuck my life. I did everything I could, and still got looked down on. So what's the point? There isn't one at that point.
"Grow up"
Well thanks for the advice, but I grew up a long time ago. That's probably why I act like such a teenager now. I was never really able to be one. I had to take care of the house bills, making sure checks were wrote, bills on time, and doing grocery shopping since I was about 14. If my Papa was sick, I had to take care of him. Run to the store every day for his cigarettes, and later his chewing tobacco. Then when I was 17, he got custody of Aubrey, and God-forbid my Mother help out with the kid she wanted to get custody of. I was a Senior in high school. I was working my tail off to make sure I would graduate, take care of the house bills, and have to take care of a baby when I was out of school. If I wanted to relax after school, that was a travesty. I worked a job for all of a month, running myself ragged between work, school, and the kid. Got fired. And I just had to take on more taking care of her. It wasn't my responsibility, but I did it anyway. For my Papa, of course. I almost had to miss my own 19th birthday party because I had to find a babysitter. I finally begged my cousin to help me. And I got a day out of the house. People think I'm immature? Childish? I never got to be that when I moved in with my Papa. And maybe if my Dad had had his head on right, we would never have had to leave. So yeah, I may be living out my teenage years now before the big stuff comes up like having my own kids, and a mortgage. I love having an open schedule right now so I can see my family as much as possible.
"Well you think you can just do whatever you want"Well... kinda? I grew up, and I'm living. Maybe not to your standards, but to mine. Dammit I'm tired of everyone being disappointed in me, and never approving of anything I do. No one ever really seems proud of me. I'm trying my best to make my life better. I quit Target so that when I get to Denver, I can get a better job, not keep the same crappy one. I am paying over half of a down payment on buying a house. I'm trying my best to get back in school to finish school, but it's been hard financially. I'm going to be helping pay for that mortgage, trying to save to have a proper wedding that I dream of. One that my Daddy can walk me down the aisle, and my Papa can have that dance he owes me. I'm not here to please anyone, by any means, but I sure wish my family would be on my side just once, instead of hating everything I do. And I wish I was a better girlfriend/fiancee/housewife to Mark, but I'm not perfect. I don't know everything, or how to do everything. I'm learning. I'm still a kid in a way, but I've grown a lot & no one appreciates that...
"Conclusion"
Well. That's about it. I just needed to get that off my chest. It kept me up last night. Sleep just isn't happening for me right now. Guess it's TV time. Ha.
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