A lot has happened to me in the past.... well since December. I say that, but it really all started in November. That one photo-shoot that would spiral my life so out of control I wouldn't know my left from my right, my friends from my enemies...
Remember when these people were my best friends? Inseparable. The friends who spent almost every weekend together, partied together, involved each other in every aspect of their lives? Yeah... me too... But that one shoot... It just sent everything down. The shoot itself went fine. Then came to the point where people decided my prices were wrong. Even after I told people my prices. I have never kept those prices a secret. Needless to say, I got ripped off over $100 worth of services & fees. But I digress. At some point these friends decided to tell my at-the-time boyfriend things that weren't 100% true. Those same "friends" then turned on me, started talking about me behind my back, calling me things like whore, skank, saying I couldn't keep my legs closed. That hurt. I did retaliate, though, now I wish I had just kept quiet. I had lawsuits threatened against me. My life practically ruined. My boyfriend had been planning to propose to me on our vacation to see his family, which for me would have been the first time. First, he almost didn't even take me on the trip, then he almost didn't propose to me. Well, once he had proposed to me, and we announced it, things got worse. These people were saying I was hiding behind a ring, that my boyfriend was going to marry a liar. Almost ruined our trip. I've never been so upset or felt more betrayed in my entire life. And I've had some bad things happen in my life.
Even my absolute best friend betrayed me. That hurts the most. Anyway, A lot of feelings boiled up inside me. Anger, depression, betrayal, confusion. But it didn't stop my life completely... After the giant war came to a slow end, things settled. Mike & I reconciled slowly, and are back to where we were.
I've recently reconnected with Drake, and I don't know how that's going on his end, but I've made my peace.
There is only one last issue I've yet to resolve. LaShae Marie Fowler.
Some days I miss her so much I can't stand it. I have everyone around me telling me to let her go, that she'll never forgive me for things I said. I dream of her a lot. Of things I'd tell her, of us being friends again... A girl can dream I guess because that's about as far as it will go it seems. I recently learned the only way I'll ever be heard from her is by apologizing to her mother & trying to earn her forgiveness. A woman who said she would never forgive me for the person I was. Who thought I had mental problems. Who proceeded to under pay me for my services. But again, I digress. Point is, it seems that no matter how many times I apologize for being such a rotten person, no matter how many times I say that what I said about them was wrong, no matter how horrible I feel & how apologetic I really am... It doesn't matter... She won't forgive me... That girl.. She was one of my best friends. I could tell her anything. I trusted her with my life.. As I write this, my brain reminds me of the good days, and my heart aches even more... I have tried my best to settle my enemies. But some people just don't believe I've changed. There are other situations that have happened in the past year where I was wrong for how I reacted to the situation, I went to apologize, and the person wanted nothing of it. I'm used to the rejection, but it doesn't make it hurt any less... One day, I hope to be back to my days of glory. When my friends made me so happy I wouldn't change a thing...
I want these days back... I want the days where I would wake up to my best friends lying all around my house. One day... One... day...
Mike, Shae, Drake... I love you guys. No matter what happens in our lives you guys are my friends even when I'm not yours.
Shae, I know that what happened is hard to forget.. I don't want to forget, I want to move on. I want to talk to you, and see how your life is. I know things might never be the same again... But I would live with just a sliver of what we had. I love you, Shae. I have changed. I promise...
Drake, honestly, you used to freak me out with the constant being hit-on... But you were my friend before we dated, and you were even my friend after we broke up. I think we can make it past this. You were one of my best friends for years. I don't want to give that up.. I love you, man.
And I know people keep telling me to let it go, but I've never let go of people easily. It's just not in my nature to give up on someone. I miss the friends I used to have. And with the holidays coming up, it just makes everything worse... Anyway, that's all I have to say...
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